leaked audio of Stripe (S) & Tempo (T) PMs discussing integration T: We’re ready to hook Tempo into your merchant settlement pipeline this quarter. S: Cool. Meanwhile, APAC payments uptime dropped from 99.995% to 99.991% yesterday and Singapore merchants are screaming. So… T: Right, so our first milestone is to get Tempo transactions into your internal “Transactions” service. We’ll just send you a webhook. S: We don’t accept any external webhooks into prod. You’ll have to go through the txn-gateway microservice, which calls ledger-v3, which still runs on Java 8 because no one dares touch it. T: Okay… so we’ll just talk to ledger-v3. S: You can’t. That’s owned by the Dublin team. They’re mid-migration to ledger-v4 but the migration is paused because risk-check started throwing null pointers during Prime Day. T: Got it. Then we’ll just integrate with your KYC flow so Tempo wallets can be verified. S: Sure. We have four KYC systems: id-check, light-id-check, kyc-next, and the new “unified” KYC that isn’t actually unified. Which one do you want? T: Whichever is easiest. S: There is no easiest. kyc-next is blocked on a GDPR audit, and the unified one fails if your name has an apostrophe. T: Alright, maybe we just start with internal testing. We’ll spin up a Tempo testnet and you hit it with your sandbox transactions. S: Our sandbox is 6 months behind prod and doesn’t support the pay-with-crypto flag. The only engineer who knows how to enable it is on leave. S: Sorry, risk just paged me — a merchant in Brazil figured out they can submit refunds in Japanese yen and get paid more than they charged. T: So… we still on track for Q3 integration? S: .... T: ????